Restoring Our Family Relationships Chaplain Art Lyons Re-Entry Prison and Jail Ministry PO Box 620 Chula Vista, CA 91912    The results of a life spent on alcohol and drugs or in prison will always put a tremendous strain on relationships. This is especially true in the relationships between an abuser and other family members. In fact, most, if not all relational bridges have been burned by the time the offender reaches the end of his or her own strength, and decides to turn his life over to God.      God created man to be part of, and function best in, a family unit. Bloodline in the Old Testament was very important. Knowing one’s ancestral history and passing down family inheritances was emphasized.    Unfortunately, if a person has come from a long line of drug and alcohol abusers, he may not even know the history of his bloodline beyond two generations. Divorce, criminal activity and other embarrassments that accompany severe chemical abuse can cause most parents and grandparents to avoid talking about their painful pasts. Therefore, good quality character traits, family inheritances and prestige have ceased to be imparted to the next generation, nor passed down for posterity. What are passed along, however, are the weaknesses of one’s heritage.    This being so, one should not be surprised that he is having similar addictions and character deficiencies of one’s parents;  Exodus 34:5-7 tells us we will inherit the blessings and the weaknesses from our ancestors:     Exodus 34:5-7        “Now the Lord descended in the cloud and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the Lord. And the Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children and the children’s children to the third and the fourth generation.”    Though repercussions of our parents’ sin may affect us greatly, or our own choices of living foolishly may have brought devastation to us, there is still good news. The curses can be stopped. Foolish living can be turned into a blessing when we repent of our sins and accept Jesus into our lives.    In the Old Testament, Jeremiah 18:1-10 tells us that the desire of God’s heart is to deliver us from inherited curses. God declares here that repentance from evil will bring instantaneous results of blessings from the Lord  This is because true repentance of our sins always brings us saving grace.      In the New Testament, we see John the Baptist’s ministry was a ministry of repentance. He spoke of the promise of reconciliation between fathers and their sons (Luke 1:16-17).  Once we repent, God will begin to bring reconciliation between family members. Take note here, that John’s ministry of repentance preceded Christ’s ministry of salvation. Repentance always precedes reconciliation.     The Bible tells us in 2 Corinthians 5:17-20 that when we become saved, we are born again spiritually. We actually become brand new creatures and our old nature passes away. This new creation is God’s Spirit living within us, empowering us to live a Christian life. Once this happens, God begins to restore what has been stolen from us by the devil (Joel 2:25). And He also imparts unto us a ministry of reconciliation.    In Romans 8:28 we are told that when we give our lives to God, He will work together all past mistakes and sins in our lives to good. This good news should give us hope that damaged family relationships can be restored.    However, even after true repentance and salvation have taken place, reconciliation is not always an easy task to accomplish. The past sins of an offender have most likely caused areas of deep hurt in family members. And predictably, their reactions toward the offender have created pain in him as well. The healing process cannot begin unless two steps actually take place:  First, the offender begins the process of repentance; and second, the family member takes steps toward forgiveness.  Just as repentance is a forerunner to salvation, so is forgiveness a predecessor to healing.    The Bible teaches us there are two different types of forgiveness, or two ways in which forgiveness is administered. The first type of forgiveness and the most desirable, is that the offender repents, we forgive, and restore to him our fellowship or relationship.    Jesus emphasized this in no small way in Luke 17:1-4.  The Bible illustrates that there should be evidence of the fruit of repentance to validate one’s true heart attitude. Often an offender may demonstrate worldly sorrow, sorrow he “got caught”, sorrow that his self-seeking lifestyle has been inconvenienced by incarceration, or sorrow in being homeless, but not Godly sorrow.    Godly sorrow is accompanied by true repentance, which is always confirmed with visible evidence. This evidence will be apparent by voluntary restitution that the Spirit of God will initiate in a repentant person’s heart. In the Old Testament, God required a thief to restore 120% and sometimes 600 % of what he had stolen to make restitution (Exodus 22:1-4, Leviticus 6:4-5). John the Baptist also commented on the necessity of producing the fruit of repentance in Luke 3:3-8, where he teaches the evidence of a repentant person is proven by a changed lifestyle. This is further supported in the repentance of Zacchaeus in Luke 19:2-10.     The importance of this type of restorative forgiveness should not be trivialized. God expects us to repent of our sins before He will forgive us and grant us salvation. We should not be confused and alarmed over our sense of mistrust with the offender. This is the natural response unless true repentance has taken place.  However, we must take careful note of Jesus’ illustration in Luke 17.    In Luke 17, Jesus encourages us to forgive a truly repentant person’s same sin up to 490 times a day. In other words, we have to watch over our own hearts when we have been offended. We may choose not to forgive a truly repentant person. This is especially true if that person has spent a lifetime in addiction to chemicals or other activities, which have kept him inside correctional institutions for years. Jesus was encouraging us to keep our hearts softened toward all people and all offenses. It may take several attempts for the offender to truly repent and show fruit of repentance. Jesus was trying to communicate to us that if we do not extend forgiveness to a repentant person, it is then sin on our part not to forgive.    If you've been hurt because of unjust acts toward you from a family member, you may feel (justly) that the offender needs to repent and ask for forgiveness first for the process to begin. Yet, we are given a different example in the Bible. In 1 Peter 2:19-25 we read:“    For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully. [20] For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. [21] For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: [22] Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: [23] Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: [24] Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. [25] For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.  “     Our Lord Jesus wants us to follow in His footsteps and be the initiators of forgiveness.    In other words, don’t “pat yourself on the back” for taking your just punishments well, but rejoice in having a good attitude while enduring the punishment that someone else deserved.    A friend of mine illustrated this by a “motto” in his home called, “Someone Has To Take a Hit and Not Hit Back”. This came as a result of observing his children in the back seat of his car arguing with each other. Occasionally their disagreements would end up in physical aggression. Each time one would punch the other, the other would retaliate with a hit back. This would continue until one of them would make the decision to take a hit, and not return the punch.     Jesus took the hit for us. Jesus said if we want to be forgiven and win favor with God, we must forgive those who have offended us. He even wants us to be the initiators of forgiveness. In Matthew 5: 23-24 we read: “    Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; [24] Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift. “    Jesus told us that if we want to be blessed by God, we first need to make sure that no one has outstanding offenses against us. Only after we have tried to mend these relationships are we in the right standing with God to receive His favor. This is a good practice, even when we may feel we have not committed any offense.    The other way forgiveness is administered is not centered on restoring but releasing. In this scenario, the offender does not repent or can’t repent because of disability (or death). However, we are still to be kind to those who have offended us. Jesus said we are to bless our enemies and speak well of them; so much more of our fallen loved ones. We are then to release them over to God for accountability. This is illustrated in Romans 12, where we are told not to take revenge on an individual; we are to bless and leave any judgmental consequences for his sin to God, who deals justly. I believe this type of forgiveness (or release) will always leave a breach in the relationship. Trust cannot be re-instated. Release will, however, produce peace in our lives between the offender, God and us.    There is still another problem in reconciling with family members: There are spiritual forces at work against the reconciliation of you and your  family. Some family members may even tell you they liked you better before you were saved. They may even try to get you to return to drinking and drugging. It will probably take a year or more of growing up in Christ before some family members trust you again; some may never accept you and your new faith. If this is true for you, remember what Matthew 10:34-39 tells us:“    Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. [35] For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. [36] And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. [37] He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. [38] And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. [39] He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. “    God wants to promote a greater peace in our lives, and He will do it. But we must always put Him first (emphasis on verse 37 underlined above) and keep Him there. Remember, Jesus promises us a blessing if we are persecuted for righteousness’ sake (Matt 5:10-12). But also remember, we are supposed to be persecuted for the sake of righteousness, not for being obnoxious!    Don't Get Religious    Once the Lord begins the reconciliation process, we need to be careful that we don’t let our newfound piety get in the way of restoring our family relationships. In other words, don’t be so heavenly-minded that you're no earthly good. Guard yourself against becoming like the Pharisees of Jesus' day. Remember where you came from (1 Cor. 4:7) and how you got to where you are now. You are a sinner, too; you’re just walking in repentance. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees because they became self-righteous, as we see in Mark 7:9-13.    In the name of religion, the Pharisees would dedicate everything they owned to the temple as “devoted to God” so it could not be given to their parents or the poor. According to the Bible, our family is our second most important ministry. We read in 1Timothy 5:8: 1 Tim. 5:8 “  But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. “ In the book of Ephesians, God teaches us that relationships between family members should be cherishing and honoring one another (Ephesians 5:22-6:4). As God leads family members to reconcile, He will begin to re-establish order and respect. Many men have a distorted view of what it means to be the head of the household, i.e. dominating other members of the family and forcing those around them to submit to their desires.  Later in this series, we will address in depth God's purposes behind submission. For now, we will briefly discuss “relating rightly” with family members. Please carefully read and consider the following scriptures:    Wives        Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. [23] For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. [24] Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.    Husbands  [25] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; [26] That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, [27] That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. [28] So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. [29] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: [30] For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. [31] For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. [32] This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. [33] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Children   [6:1] Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. [2] Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) [3] That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. [4] And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.    Usually at this point, the feelings of spouses and children of chemically dependent people become provoked. Women begin feeling angry internally while hiding it well externally. Men begin to think about how their “significant other” needs a better understanding of this scripture. Children of chemically dependent parents begin to manifest their frustrations around the feelings of having to grow up too soon. All these  emotions and feelings are in need of some adjustment.    God has created men, women and children equally (Galatians 3:28), but the man has more accountability to God I will refer to submission in the context of the mystery of the Trinity:    True Christianity has always held to the doctrine of the Triune God: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. One God expressed in three persons. So I submit to you, is God the Son any less God than God the Father? Is God the Holy Spirit any less God than the Son? Is God the Father any less God than the Son or the Spirit? The answer, of course, is no. They are all equal but have different functions in the God-Head. So it is with the family. Husbands, wives and children are all equal persons in the eyes of God, but all have different functions. The purpose of submission is to regulate order, not give power.    Before we were Christians, we lived our lives in a self-centered manner. These years of bad habits have developed selfish behavior which will take some time to correct, but it can be achieved. Again, the changes will come but often seem too slow in occurring. I compare it to watching our fingernails grow. You can always see the progress in a week or two, but not at the moment you want to see it happen.       As God begins to work in your life, He will always lead you toward reconciliation and restoration. As a Christian, the Holy Spirit will lead you to simply do unto others as you would have them do unto you. In other words, treat your family how you desire to be treated.